Thursday, October 20, 2011

Golly Molly, my heart is tender today.

The first part of the day started not so good.

(In chronological order, not order of relevance)
Not good#1-
It's hard to understand, when we are in the middle of bringing home a beautiful baby girl, that I could still struggle with my feelings about our infertility. I've said it before, but our children don't replace that feeling of being broken. I OBVIOUSLY love my children more than anything in the world, but that has nothing to do with how they got here. For me, loving my children and being grateful for them is totally separate from the frustration and sadness that comes with being "broken".  Being around those that take their fertility for granted tends to bring those feelings to the surface... quickly.

Not good#2-
I was already down and out when I found out my grandfather was being rushed to the emergency room with a possible stroke. We still don't really know what's going on, but it's not good. He is being admitted now and his screams have been sedated. My heart hurts for him.

Not good#3-
Shortly after that, we found out that our travel hopes to bring Annie home will be delayed for reasons beyond our control. She will not be home for Christmas. There are changes taking place in Annie's country and we knew there was a possiblilty it would effect us, but knowing it now- makes me very, very sad. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from fighting to save my child and she's on the other side of the world.

It's just been a sad day.

Still, I am NOT having a pity party. I hear a constant reminder in my spirit that it could be worse. I prayed about my feelings and asked our friends and family to share their praises with me so I could focus on the GOOD.

I managed to go through the motions of grocery shopping and errands like a zombie, just so I didn't have to add guilt of an unproductive day to my list of emotions.  The truth is, I'm ridiculously thankful for the chance to go to the grocery store.  I have a family to feed. I have a vehicle and I had gas to get there. My children have food to eat. And I paid for it. In fact, they eat EVERY day. More than once. That's a big deal. Yes, I am thankful.

The day has taken a turn for the better where it can.
Nathan got some news regarding job changes. Nothing confirmed yet, but it does sound hopeful.

When I came home, our "golden ticket" (written approval from USCIS) was in the mailbox. That's it, that's all we needed. Our dossier will go in the mail tomorrow and then... we wait.

Layla and Cale both had good days at school. My perfectly imperfect husband is home, and I'm looking forward to tonight's gig. Dancing makes me happy.

I am sad. But I am most definitely grateful. And hopeful.
Just incase you need a reminder to be, read here.
I've read it three times today so far. I wish I would have written it. Just glad it was written.

And just because I love quotes and they make everything more worldly somehow:

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you 're alive, it isn't." -Robert Frost

"Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, love is knowing I am everything, and in between the two- my life moves."

"I cannot control the world around me, only my reaction to it."

"Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules,
but the rules did not know me

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."
2 Cor 5:7

I realize this whole post was all over the place, really. But that's just where I am today.
"I don't like the term 'insane'. I prefer 'mentally hilarious."

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain! I couldn't figure out why I've been rather emotional but then I realized that a week from today was when my life changed forever and created an even bigger ache that will always live with me. There is no way to explain that brokenness unless your experiencing it.