Day 23

I've mentioned this before, but I wrote a (private) blog last year and said that it all of a sudden felt like someone was missing. I wrote that when we walked out the door, it literally felt like we were forgetting somebody.

I looked that post up today... I wrote it on Feb 18th.

Annie was 2 days old.

Go God.

All dressed up for her MAMA today!

The nannies were SO proud to bring her in to show me :) Three of them came down with her and two more stopped in during our visit, just to see how happy we were. I love that they care about her so much.

You know how getting married doesn't necessarily change your relationship, except it does? With that one kiss, you are elevated to a place that is more magical and peaceful and... forever?
Technically, today's visit was just like the others. Except... it wasn't. We've known she was "our's" for a LONG time, but on paper, she was just a cute kid we were visiting. Not today!! Today we molded together. Today it was magical and peaceful... and forever.

I don't want to romanticize adoption or fail to let you know how complex it is. It can be sticky, and surprising, and hard, and exciting, and sad, and fun, and scary, and thrilling. And it doesn't end with finalization! It is a life-long process.

We just happen to be in a really cool part of that process right now :)
Yesterday, when I posted that we had passed court, we had 276 "likes" on FB and well over 200 personal congratulations. Now that's cool.

First realization that I'm here alone: I have a migraine and I need to eat.  I DO NOT feel like cooking (and all I have is eggs and rice). Can't send hubby out to get something bc he isn't here. Can't have anything delivered. Need sustenance.

ETA: Decided on bacon and eggs. Didn't take long and already feeling better.

Day 22

Le sigh.

It's over and we PASSED!! Slava Bogu (Praise God!!)

We had no reason to believe that we wouldn't, but getting through it is tough.

We were an absolute wreck when we got to the court house. Our facilitator prepped us on all the things to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. I thought for sure I was going to puke and cry and pee on myself right there. Nathan kept trying to lighten the mood by being funny, except... times like this when the air is thick, Nathan IS NOT FUNNY.

We had been told not cross our legs and not to fold our hands in front or in back because it shows that we are too comfortable and is a sign of disrespect. We were practicing our pageant answers and Nathan's hands were at his side. They s l o w l y floated up in the air like Ricky Bobby's on Talladega Nights because he didn't know what else to do with them... (okay, he's funny).

After an hour of waiting, it was our turn.
Gaaahhh, it is SO tense- trying to remember all these rules and you can't understand anything that's going on. The stacks of papers behind the court reporter are are millimeters away from toppling over. The judge is stone cold, all business. I very clearly hear the second hand on the clock moving. We each stand to say our full name. The judge checks her cell phone. It's lunch time. I'm not hungry. My right sock is slightly higher than my left. I think I heard someone say something about our citizenship?
Nathan hands the judge our passports.
The last time I saw his hand shaking like that, he was standing in front of me with an engagement ring.

She read through our paperwork, stating several times that both biological parents had "rejected" her. I nearly cried. No, they didn't. That's not fair. I know this is their culture and some terms are likely altered in translation, but that word made me HURT for her. In addition to being socially unacceptable, there are NO resources here to care for a child with Down Syndrome.  None. We were told the child would likely never leave their home.  By placing her in the orphanage, she at least had a chance at a life by adoption. I hated hearing them say my daughter was rejected, but I was still, hands unfolded and by my side.

She asked me to stand and started the questions. Most of which, we expected. We were told to provide "several phrases" and not just yes or no answers, but it seems like everytime I paused for translation, another question was asked before I could expand.  Will you stay home with her? Do you know about her "disease"?  I got upset (inside) because she kept asking WHY. Why would you adopt a child with special needs? Why HER? But WHY?

She wasn't asking because she was curious about our personal reasons. She really didn't get it.  I had tried to explain simply that we were ready to expand our family. I tried to explain that we could provide love and opportunities for her. I tried to explain that our hearts were connected to her.

She asked Nathan, (translated) "Do you agree with your wife? WHY are you requesting to adopt HER, why not a normal child?". I wanted to scream, "She IS normal!!". Instead, I sat motionless, legs uncrossed. No tears.

A few more questions each and we made it through. We were asked to step out while the judge made her decision. She had no facial expression, no inflection in her voice. What did she think? Are we enough? Did we do it wrong?  While waiting, both the prosecutor and the rep from the Children's Department shared big smiles and gave us thumbs up. Tatiana said, "You are parents, I know it!". I don't know how they "know" it, but they all seemed pleased with what had just taken place.

About ten minutes later, we stepped back in and the judge read all kinds of formal jargon for what seemed like forever. She ended with (translated) "from this day forth, she is not Varvara Evgenevich , she will be Anna Gray West."
Nathan squeezed my hand. Tatiana congratulated us quietly. We thanked the judge and a HUGE smile appeared on her face. For the first time, I noticed she was pretty. And I exhaled.

We were back in the hallway within seconds. Can I cry now?!
SO many emotions!
The obvious elation, dampened slightly by her loss.
I wish she hadn't said she is not Vara.
She is, she always will be. We have no intention of taking that away from her.
But we could.not.be. anymore excited that now she is also our new daughter!
Oh, we hugged so tightly.

WE HAVE A NEW DAUGHTER!!

Those are ridiculously happy faces!

I get to go see her tomorrow and tell her that I AM HER MAMA!

Nathan left about an hour after we got back from court. He is already on a train headed back to Kiev. He will fly out tomorrow and be home Sunday afternoon, God willing. I think he took it harder than I did. I couldn't tell if he is sad about leaving her, worried about me being here alone, or both.

I feel totally fine about it. More than anything, I am worried I'm going to be bored out of my mind! Tatiana and Edward (mother and son, btw) said they want to take care of me.  Edward will get me whatever I need and I am to email Tatiana every day and tell her I am okay.

Starting tomorrow, there is a 10 day wait for appeals. These are going to be THE longest 10 days of my life. Regardless, they will be joyful days because THERE IS ONE LESS ORPHAN IN THE WORLD!!

Day 21

Today is the very definition of bittersweet.

Nathan told me in no uncertain terms that today was his day.

He gets to hold her, play with her, kiss her, snuggle her.

One last time.

See that hand wrapped around his finger?

It really should be the other way around.

The next time they see each other, he will be her daddy.

It was heartwrenching to say goodbye, but we know that means progress. We know that means we're closer. It means she's almost home. For good.

After our visit today, we asked Edward to take us back to the enormous toy store.  We needed to exchange her snowsuit for a bigger size. We had NO idea it would be such a big deal. Not just explaining (translated) what we needed- and didn't need, but passports and forms and all kinds of requirements! About ten minutes in, we realized we should have just donated this snowsuit to the orphanage and purchased another one. It was too late, we were in too deep!

Thank goodness for Edward, who got a good laugh out of the whole thing.
We told him he could leave us there since we needed to get a few more things for Annie (bottles, clothes that fit) and we would just walk home. I don't know why we didn't learn our lesson yesterday :/

Again, we were NOT dressed to walk the 15-20 minutes home in temps around 20 below. If my body had been capable of crying, I would have. I have never been that cold in my life.


As for tomorrow...

Court in this process can be very intimidating. They can ask us ANYTHING. Our answers, our body language, our credibility... it all counts. Although we are confident, we are anxious about how it will go exactly. Tonight before you go to bed, or if you happen to be up around 4:30am CST... please be in prayer that the judge rules in our favor! This is, by far, the most important step toward forever .

Day 20

Holy day of good news, Batman!

BAM! POW! ZIP!
(Nathan added those.)

1) Nathan got a new job! A job that we have been praying about for FOUR years. Literally. The first two weeks here, he was trying so hard not to be worried about it when he clearly was. When he got word, he seriously sunk all the way down and then popped back up like 200 lbs had been lifted off him. God's timing is PERFECT.

2) We have a confirmed court date!!! Oh my, we are so excited.
That means Nathan will be leaving very soon, but more importantly- it means we can count the DAYS until Annie is our's FOREVER.  I know we gush on her like crazy, but Nathan put it perfectly today: "I came here expecting us to meet our amazing daughter... and she is a thousand times more amazing than I could have ever dreamed." It's true.

Tomorrow is Groundhog's Day. Earlier today, I was thinking: it has felt like Groundhog's day for the last two weeks. Every day is pretty much the same, every blog post is pretty much the same. We get up, wear basically the same clothes, she wears the same clothes, we do pretty much the same thing every.single.day... it's a fine line between routine and mundane. But now... now I don't even care. I'll wear this same outfit everyday if I have to- THIS little girl is coming home soon :)

Almost sitting up today!

And look, we didn't even nap on the giant bear- it's time for a change ;)

He will have to say goodbye, but only for a short time. Hopefully, Annie and I are not far behind!

We had Edward drop us off in town today. We ate lunch and walked back, stopping at the bank and the market. It worked out well, except that we hadn't dressed appropriately to walk that far. It wasn't too bad, but I think my toes are still numb.

We had a list of errands to run over the next few days, but we will be squeezing those all in tomorrow after a re-scheduled visit to the orphanage. We already marked one off our list...

CHOCOLATE! (For gifts, not us-ha!)

LAYLA, BRYNN, AND CALE:
Daddy is coming HOME!!!!!