I apologize in advance for the lack of rainbows and puppy dogs in this post.

It also will most likely be grammatically incorrect. I'm just going to start typing...


It's just all too much.
My mind, body, and soul are not unified in their decisions. I recognize this feeling, but I don't like it. It creeps up on you so unexpectedly; not an easy way to come for little miss control freak.  I know what I want to be doing (getting my kids ready for school, fixing dinners for my family, working out), I know what I need to be doing (cleaning my house, completing grant applications). My inside is feverishly in constant creation of a to-do list, but my outide doesn't give a crap what my inside says. My outside is tired. And sad. And frustrated. My outside doesn't want to do anything.

I'm so overwhelmed with what needs to be done that I can't function well enough to do it. My head is spinning-there are a million things going on. There are always a million things going on, I just usually juggle them much better. Not right now. I'm shutting down. I feel like any minute you will see the steam coming out of my ears and my head will spin right off into the corner of the room like on Looney Tunes, then the rest of me will sink into the ground, deflated.

There's so much no one tells you about adoption. Maybe it's because they don't have time. Maybe it's because they don't want to complain. Maybe it's because they forget. Maybe it's because they just don't know how. Maybe it's because they know you just won't get it.

I'm going to get blasted for saying this, but it's the only thing I can think of... I imagine that what we're going thru feels somewhat similar to having a missing child.  I am NOT saying it's the same, at all. Only that the emotions you feel- knowing your child is out there somewhere but not knowing where they are, who they are with... worrying about how they are being treated. When will they come home?! Are they okay?! Are they hurting?! Are they scared?! Are they hungry or sad or sitting in dirty clothes?! The frustration of waiting on someone else to give you some kind of news, staring at their picture for way too long, the constant state of prayer, willing to do whatever.it.takes. to get your child home. It consumes you. How are you supposed to just keep on going thru each day like you aren't consumed by this?

Please please please know that I am not minimalizing the experience of a missing child. I am simply relating to SOME of the emotions I imagine would exist in those circumstances.

I'm sure you've heard adoption called an emotional roller coaster. Highs and lows are an understatement.

You don't expect it when random acquaintances, people you never thought in a million years would care, work their butts off to get your child home. They donate time and money and pray relentlessly for you and your child- because they can. They watch your kids so you can check things off your to-do list, or prepare to so you can go get your baby girl. They share hand-me-down clothes, furniture, and blankets.  They tell people her story, so they can pray too.

You don't expect it when family or friends that you are close to are discouraging or intentionally disappear when you need them most.You don't expect to see your husband cry for a child he's never met or sitting on the couch holding clothes that will be worn by her when she gets here. You don't expect to hear rumors of good news and cry in anticipation. You don't expect your children to pray for her, out loud, every.single.day. You don't expect them to be sad too. You don't expect to panic that you might not be able to bring her home when you get there (it happens). You don't expect to wake up at 4am (11am her time) to see if there's news. You don't expect to be THAT relieved to meet someone else who is waiting too. You don't expect to rejoice with those who get to go before you, because you know how they feel.

Excited... and scared... and exhausted... and emotional... and hopeful.
Ready.



I don't have any good way to end this post. I just needed to get it out. There is so much going on, more than you know. I feel like I'm not supposed to let any of this show. It doesn't change the fact that we are blessed and grateful and praising Him for all he's already given us. On the inside. My outside is just struggling to keep up right now.


There's a story here, but this has been "our" song for this adoption since before we committed to her. And I can't tell you how many times I've gotten in the car feeling numb and it has come on.

I hear you.

John Waller

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting